Am i better?
How would i know?
I am my own best and worst doctor.
I have to subject myself to thoughts that test the system.
How do i feel?
Can i tolerate more of it?
Has the pain dulled? numbed?
Using a fine needle to test each area.

No... not this part... this feels okie.. I am still standing...
No... not there. Not here.
Automatic shutdown.

Good. Automatic shutdown is working.
Things used to explode.

Does that mean i am better?
Have i covered all the areas?
Which memories has faded? Which has not?
I need to go through them meticulously.
It is a form of self abuse but how would i know if i don't go through it?
How would i know that they wouldn't hurt me anymore?

I need to know.
I need to know that i will be okie.
I need to know that i can survive.
I need to know that when things happened not within my control, i can withstand it.
I need to know hence i am subjecting myself to these experiments.
Controlling the variables... the intensity... the degree of hurt... the circumstances...
But even the best scientist cannot always keep things within their control.
And so, things explode once in a while.
At least, with proficiency, failure rate does reduce.

Today, it has been successful.
Its like experimenting with different antidote to see which work for each specific problem.
Today i found one for part of the problem.
I subjected myself to the venom, tested the serum, and survived.
The venom did not hurt me as much anymore.
I came back standing. Smiling.

I need to know.
Bottom line is, if i don't know, i will never have the confidence to be well. Be healthy.
Screwed up logic perhaps.
But don't we all do what we can to survive?

I will not stand by the fairground, looking and believing i am safe from the rides
when i may be roped into one and then collapse because i am not prepared.
I will grind my teeth and go through each and everyone of them no matter how scared i am.
I need to know i can survive it.
On my terms.

I need to know.